Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
