ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
