the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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