What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
a search helicopter?!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
