The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
