new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
