I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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