i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
