just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
