Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize