I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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