I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
