she was so not down for the gang bang
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
