just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
