I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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