If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize