i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
