Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Randomize
