Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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