If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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