Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
