Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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