God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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