you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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