I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
whose parrot is this?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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