I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
