So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
