names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
