Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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