At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
