Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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