I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
