i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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