I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
