The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
