I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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