dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
