I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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