I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I love you.
Bad choice
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
