How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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