When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
