I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
