I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
