based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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