He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
