And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
