I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm eating all of the evidence.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize