the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
