Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
