i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
