I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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