Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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