Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
