Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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