you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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