Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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