She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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