I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I still have a little drunk in my system
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
