good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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